Gourmet Jewish Food…

(from Judaism.about.com)

A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shop. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, “May I help you, Sir?”

“Yes,” replied the customer, “I would like to buy a pound of lox.”

“No. No,” responded the dignified salesperson, “You mean smoked salmon.”

“Okay, a pound of smoked salmon.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a dozen blintzes.”

“No. No. You mean crepes.”

“Okay, a dozen crepes.”

“Anything else?”

“Yes, a pound of chopped liver.”

“No. No. You mean pate.”

“Okay,” said the Jewish patron, “A pound of pate. And,” he added, “I’d like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday.”

“Look,” retorted the indignant salesperson, “We don’t schlep on Shabbos.”




Jewish Bar Joke

(Submitted by Tammy G.)

A well-known Anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink  when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish head covering (kippa), a prayer shawl (tzitzis), and  traditional locks of hair (payos).    

He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.

So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear,

“Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to    him and says “Thank You” in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.

This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.  But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.”

So the guy asks the barman, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew?  I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly guy does is smile and thank me in such a loud voice.

Is he nuts?     

No,” replies the bartender.

“He owns this place.”